I feel weird writing about you, but you’re a constant cloud in my mind. I think about a lot sure, but many are details of our life. If I’m being honest, I’m no more confident now than I was before we came together. Terrified is what I am. I’m terrified to grow and love someone so much just to lose them. I feel crazy you know, realizing how much you mean to me. Love is dangerous and unreliable. Here I am holding on to nothing but the hope you won’t be tired of me. I look forward to songs that remind me of you, but also loathe the day they break my heart all over again. Sometimes i think it was a bad idea to give into this. Green eyes have always been my weakness and that’s what you are. I always want to choose you and I know I’m dancing on the lines with that but I’ve lost the caution to care. You make me want more out of life, not just for myself but for us. I want to make you happy and experience your successes along with your failures. You’re so much more than I expected. I never meant to give in to what I figured were feelings, but assumed would go away eventually. I never planned for us to get this engrained in each others lives. I never planned to fall in love. it’s silly to think that one word is the basis of what I’m feeling, but it is. I can’t fight the urge to kiss you or ignore how well we fit together. I can’t help thinking of a house filled with little bundles of joy. But most of all, i can’t help thinking of what I do if I lost you. Maybe this is too much. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. I don’t know what to think or feel sometimes or how I should act or what would make you happy. I don’t know if I’m doing enough or if you even really feel this way for me. There’s a lot I don’t know that i hang onto. Most of the time I’m scared. All these laughs and kisses and moments with you will nestle into the back of my mind as just memories. All I’ll have of you are just memories. Sometimes I think it would be better that way you know? You have your whole life ahead of you and maybe that means without me. Maybe all my fears aren’t fears at all, but just ignored realities. I don’t expect anything from you; only that you know that I really love you. 

I’m jealous you know…I envy the drive in your eye and your crave for success. You have a plan, a path you’ve paved for yourself . I thought I was like that and now here I am feeling like I’m going in constant circles. Nothing seems to make sense anymore. My mind feels so unhinged and faulty. Thoughts sputtering and jumbled. Every time I think i have it figured it, i find myself shrinking back down close to nothing. It frustrates me because I want what you have, one of the many things i love. I was drive and ambition. i want to swell with passion and bubble over with excitement. I don’t want to fail, yet I don’t seem any closer to success. 

Today is good. I hate saying good because I feel like it’s so over played, just like another “I love you.” I’m just not sure how else to describe it. It’s a Sunday, the weather is nice and I work later. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I realized I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life anymore. Sure, I have a job and I’m enrolled in college, but I feel like there should be so much more than that. I’m 20 now and I don’t want to feel like I’m just wasting my life away to societies standards. Half the time I question why I’m in college in the first place. Don’t get me wrong I’m smart, but sometimes it just feels like I’m wasting my time. I want to be experiencing life in different cities and cultures. God forbid my life map has me stuck in this town working a 9-5 surrounded by the same damn people I went to high school with. I want so much more for myself. I want to be rich in the aspect of living life. Rich with memories and experiences. The definition of living your life to the fullest. We only get one, so I don’t understand why people don’t want more from themselves from it. I don’t want to be afraid of taking chances or not speaking up, because I tell myself, “Oh I’ll do it next time.” No! Who am I to guarantee myself a next time? I want to live now and have the heart to go for I want, whether it’s traveling or talking to the cute guy i see at a coffee shop. Maybe I’m thinking too much, but I feel restless in my own skin. There’s a subtle itch burning, crawling from the bottom of my feet and creeping up through my joints. I ache. I feel like a damn fiend, craving a new sensation in life.  

I just have to know…all this time did you even really care? Or was this just a waiting game for you? Keep me around till you felt better and didn’t need me anymore. Now, I’m not good enough right? I was only enough when you were down and needed someone to pick you back up. Why’d you come into my life if you were just going to leave. Here I am with tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart. It’s always when everything is going good…you know something is bound to fuck all your shit up. The same things that made you smile are now the source for your tears. I’m angry at you. I’m angry you let me believe our friendship was true and everlasting. You made me fall in love with being alive again. Everything we did somehow had meaning and made us both for the better. I’m angry i put my trust in you, to the point I loved you like a sister. I always made time for you, no matter if the sun was high or the moon full. I deleted all traces of you. I had to do it. The longer I waited the harder it would be. Except the pictures…the videos, yeah those hurt the most. The drives down the beach, we always caught the best sunsets didn’t we? You and I understood each other. It’s like our minds were synced and we always new what the other needed. Your heart was broken and your spirit was wilted, yet I stuck around. I always wanted you to see your full potential. Your aura was bright and your soul pure. I want to hate you. I want to hate you for throwing all this away, because you’re on top of the world now. You’re feeling yourself again. Just because you’re prospering, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. But you only care for yourself now, without consideration to those who helped build you up. Burning bridges is never pretty, but you do it so well. Your hidden colors have shown through washing out any traces of the you I thought I knew. I can’t be there for you anymore. Even if one day you realize that you made a mistake. Forgiving you and accepting you back in my life would be a mistake for myself, because like you, I deserve better. I deserve someone who doesn’t end our friendship over text, because she’s  still so caught up with a boy she claims she’s over. You’re lying to yourself and you know it. Just because you haven’t moved on from the past isn’t my fault, but it’s easy to act like it right? To point a finger at the one of the people who cared for you most. After everything, this is where we stand. I get this is life and all good things must come to an end, but I feel the grave was dug too early. So those nights when you’re sad and down on yourself, I hope I cross your mind. I hope your fingers hover over my name. I hope you think about YOUR actions, because this is what you wanted right? Me six feet under, with our memories nothing but a burned out bridge, that plays like a broken record in the back of your mind. 

I don’t think I can handle the burden my heart is to my chest. How can something so small be so heavy and effect everything I do. It holds me back when I think I’m moving forward. Pushes feelings back in that I tried so hard to push out. I wish I was numb and just couldn’t feel anymore, because the simple act of feeling is all too much. I could’ve lived without feeling what it was like to have someone not love you anymore 

It’s amazing when you find a person or multiple that you connect with so instantly, that they soon become your friends. A word that means something different to all of us. You go about life putting your trust in these people thinking that you’ll have each other as long as time allows. Through out life you learn to weed out the faulty ones who don’t contribute the type of energy that you want around yourself. Once you narrow it down you feel you’re set right? You fall into a routine, without realizing it you become almost dependent on these friends. You tell each other a lot of nothings mixed with an abundance of somethings. They become your safe place, the person you can confide whether with tears or a smile. So what happens when they outgrow you? They feel as though you no longer compete in the same league. You’ve tried your best to be THE friend. The friend that they could talk to no matter the time of day, someone who was always willing to be there on a whim, or just someone that made them love life a little more. After all of this, how are you supposed to feel when their peak is all of a sudden to high for you. You’re nothing now. I’m aware people come and go through out life and that’s just something to deal with, but it shouldn’t end like this. The same person who is hurting you, happens to be the same person you want to run to. The same person who shut you out is the person you still let in. Even though they’ve convinced you that you’re not good enough, you aren’t happy, you aren’t THEM, you can’t muster up the anger that should be there. All that’s left is a sadness. A sadness that your mind isn’t understanding their validations and the fact that everything you thought you were doing right, wasn’t right at all. It’s frustrating and confusing and will make you doubt yourself. Whether what you do is impactful enough that these friends will want to keep you around for some time more. I shouldn’t listen, but I also can’t justify myself, because now I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. 

I just want to know what it’s like to see yourself through others eyes and if I’d like it. As of now, I’m not sure how to see myself or feel. I just want so badly to look and be happy with who I was. To say that I’m really proud of me and I want you to get to know her. But no. Why would I want you to love me if I don’t even love myself. I thought I did a good job. I wanted to believe that I was a good person and I gave all I could in everything I do. It’s hard when its only you, What do you do when you think you’re trying your best and it was never good enough. So now when I look at myself, who do I expect to see? I don’t know how to feel anymore. I don’t want to have to continue being so upset and sad because I’m not satisfied. I’m just tired. Tired of wanting, Tired of looking at myself and being disappointed.